I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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