You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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