i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
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I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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