You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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