I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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