I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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