Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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