she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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