The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
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You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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