he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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