We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
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I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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