i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You are the jesus of drinking
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize