Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I puked a lego.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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