In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
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Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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