I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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