eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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