I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
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He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am available for nakedness
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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