I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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