worst night to have a conscience
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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