How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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