YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
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this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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