If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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