no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It's never too late to be topless.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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