so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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