I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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