I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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