Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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