Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
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Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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