Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
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Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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