I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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