so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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