Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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