Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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