o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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