Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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