the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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