he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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