4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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