Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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