I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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