he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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