I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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