I will die if light touches me.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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