Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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