if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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