I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
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I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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