Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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