I just pynch a tree in the face
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
even my farts smell like vagina
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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