also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
either way he was missing a nipple.
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
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That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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