I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Alive.
So much puke
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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